Film Synopsis - Second Draft

I have re-evaluated my first synopsis draft and have adjusted accordingly.

• I have corrected the first sentence of the synopsis and made minor adjustments to the format in which I have written it.
• Changed simple sentences to work better, such as "The screen says" to "The text reads"
• Removed comments that aren't needed or relevant.
• Added details to the way sounds and actions are working to portray more of a tone.
• Added details to the descriptions of people and surroundings.
• Gave 'pink shirt guy' a name; Ash.
• Named 'someone' as Gary.
• Within the text, I changed -Jo to -J to hide more of his identity.
• Added an action where Ash punches Gary after his comment.
• Dale stands in the hallway, by the door.
• Added more details to make it obvious that it's a party for a birthday.
• Removed speech where someone says "Happy Birthday"
• Brought Ash back in later in the narrative.
• Added a comment from Gary to provoke Dale.

Teen boy is sitting on his bed looking at his phone. Text on screen saying "I'll be there soon baby xxx" with the words 'From Jo' visible. He stands and leaves the room. People in the living room of a house, bottles of alcohol visible, dubstep track playing in background, in this instance muffled by voices. People talking, casual party talk. Group of boys sitting around, one in a pink shirt. Someone says to him "That shirt is so Jo Thomas", others says "ooooh" in unity, pink-shirt guy is defensive, lightly punches the person on the arm as he laughs. The teen boy is now standing just in the door way, looking over at the boys. Someone calls "here Dale, grab a beer mate, happy birthday" and offers him a bottle of beer. The teen boy, now identified as Dale walks over and takes the beer. There are girls giggling and gossiping in the corner, a group of boys sitting on the sofa with beers and people socialising around the room. There is a knock at the door and Dale turns his head. Opening the door he meets another teen boy who hands him a present wrapped cleanly. Dale takes the present and smiles and offers for him to come inside, the teen takes his shoes off. The teen boy walks in ahead of Dale and the tone of the party changes almost immediately. People are still talking and appearing to have a good time, but there are hushed whispers and occasional staring. We see the teen boy look around nervously, sticking close to Dale as he socialises. Dale hands him a beer and he just holds it, looking around the room. The teen boy is obviously feeling very nervous and Dale keeps looking over, realising that this is happening. Jo takes a step towards Dale and goes to grab his arm. Someone that Dale is talking to steps forward and pushes him off.
"What do you think you're doing, fruitcake?" he taunts as a semi circle forms around them and one of the assailants friends steps forward, closing the teen boy in.
Jo, backed against a wall just looks at the ground. The assailant reaches forward and slaps him in the face and a few people look taken aback, but there is a quiet laugh in the crowd. Dale has a very shocked look on his face and has his mouth open slightly.

"I'm talking to you, faggot, answer me!" he shouts, more aggressively. The teen boy just looks down again and whimpers. The people surrounding them laugh slightly and turn to each other smiling. Dale is taken aback, on the edge of the semi circle just staring. The teen boy turns his head to look at Dale and their eyes meet. Dale walks forward, looking rather aggressive, people are staring and not understanding what he's going to do. He pushes the assailant out of the way and the assailants friend takes a step backwards. Jo has his arms at his side and Dale grabs them. He leans in close and says "maybe you should  just leave". The teen boy closes his eyes for a second and says "is that what you really want?". Dale sighs and pushes him through the door. As the teen boy bends down to put his shoes on, Dale closes his eyes and shuts the door behind them. In the background you see a girl step forward towards the assailant and have a go at him.

“Was that really necessary, you’re such an asshole, it’s not as if he’s any different, why base what you think of him on his preferences? You’d have no fucking problem with a lesbian, would you?”

Dale opens his eyes and lifts his head. He puts his hand on the teen boys shoulder, “Jo... Stay” He says softly.

The teen boy, now identified as Jo stands up and looks him in the eye. Dale grabs his hand and they walk back through the door, holding hands. They walk through the door, the room goes quiet and everyone just stares at the pair holding hands.